She's lost control...

And seized up on the floor, I thought she'd die...She said I've lost control. She's lost control again...


Someone take these dreams away...

I've seem to have lost control, my mind is all over the place, I don't even know what I'm thinking right now, so many thoughts rushing at once. I'm just freaking out...

I had a good day though, went to Santa Cruz for a show which was fun... Haven't posted much really, well I got to see Crystal Castles, got kicked by Alice as she stood on the crowd, held her up and her crotch was in my face, good fucking show. I can't think of what else is new really. I'm too fucking brain dead right now...




I'm just confused again, being led on blows, I should just not even bother with that stuff right now. It just makes me wonder about the situation... I should just focus on school and photo-shoots.


Listening to Joy Division lately, and been feeling like Ian Curtis, fucked up.

Pushing Everything Away

So lately I've been a fucking mess, I isolated myself for 6 days... It was nice for the first few days, then it got a little scary...Hah luckily Alissa and Holly kidnapped me, after that I did two photo shoots, went to the club twice and got filmed twice. It's been crazy how quickly things randomly turned around for me, but it's been great! More photo shoots coming up and a portfolio to build up, going to see if Model Mayhem approves of me and hopefully find small work there.

Yogofina is open so it's time to go turn in a resume, hopefully that works out too, working is something I should be doing and it sucks not having any money.

Here are a few of my favorite shots from the photoshoots:

So as my title says, 'Pushing Everything Away' it's exactly what I'm going to start doing, at least all the negative things, because for once I'm being productive and have shit going for me. So anyone who's going to bring me down, get the hell away from me.

You're the one who's always bruised and broken..

Drunk on immorality, Valium and cherry wine, Coke and ecstasy. You're gonna blow your mind. I understand the fascination, I've even been there once or twice or more, but if you don't change your situation...Then you'll die, you'll die, don't die, don't die. Please don't die...


Well, what's been up? Uhh the Gilman show Limnus played with Stellar Corpses was fucking sick! I had a lot of fun hanging out with tons of people there and the bands. There was so many people I knew so I was kind of all over the place. Haha but overall it was a great night!

With Dusty from Stellar Corpses. :P


And Emilio! Both really cool guys. :)

Uhh so apparently I now have 1600 saved up for car! Sweeeeeet! Now I need to make more calls and go look at the cars and all that shit. Yep. No longer with my bf, one of the reasons I don't even bother trying to be in a relationship cause they end up like this. Fucking stupid. Anyway, been drawing A LOT lately, finished 3-4 things in like 1 day or 2 which is pretty rad because I'm putting a lot more time and effort into every piece and getting tons of practice! It's fantastic! My favorite one has to be Kakashi though cause I randomly drew it at like 3am, and here it is!




well till next time. :]

There's a place where everyone can be happy,

It's the most beautiful place in the whole fuckin' world!

....and you, painted my entire world
but I...don't have the turpentine to clean what you have soiled, and I won't forget it!





OKAY! I don't know what's been happening since my last post, I got fired, again!, saw Limnus in Stockton, met some awesome bands and made new friends! Been hanging out with Amber a lot and hitting up the city. Been spending time with someone special. ;) I have 1,100$ saved up for my car! Yeaaaaah! Hmmm, I feel like I have more to say, but I can't think right now. Haha. Oh well...? OH! Limnus is finally playing Gilman, FUCK YEEEEEEEEAH! Can't wait for the show! :)

I need to be somebody sometimes...

Do you even know who you are?.... You can wear what you want, but we still look the same...

And down to earth we spiral. A turn into what we'd die for. Each day a new denial, each day we set a different fire. I see no future now, I see us counting down the days. Always
Looking for the out, Not what we say we want. But love is throwing us away
Cannot stay. Turned around. Our fate harder now to swallow

Take what you want - i'll cut the strings. A light inside is fading - taken from me. I know who you are - the Maestro of blame. If everything starts changing, THEN JUST GO AWAY!


Laying down in my bed online and getting drunk, wish I could chain smoke in my room....bleh.
Things are so confusing, I'm glad I'm done with school now though, I get to only work and relax. Hopefully I'll have a car within a month or so, tired of going everywhere on bart. Fucking annoying...
I'm home alone, wishing I was out partying, but yeah no luck... Stuck at home, it's okay though, I have 2 Four Lokos, Cigarettes and Methadone. Hopefully I make it out to BFD with Jessica for her birthday! That'd be tight. I hella wanna see Deftones, Hole and Silversun Pickups. Waaaaaaah, haven't been to The Shoreline since Mayhem Fest which was Fuckin' Slayer! Manson, Cannibal Corpse, Behemoth, Bullet for My Valentine and some other bands.

Went on a San Francisco midnight adventure with J and Alissa, that was fun, alcohol, and cigarettes. Man I was too out of it that night, we left San Francisco at 7am. Awesome city view, a park and Dennys. Haha good/silly times.

I'm waiting for Rul to get here so we can chill and have a cigarette together. :)
Well I'm gonna drink some more and continue to blast music... More bullshit to be posted soon... hah.

I'd tell you all these things but I can't speak because...

...I'm dead, I'm dead, my life is life no more. I'm dead, I'm dead, your bullets cut into my flesh...Now I will haunt you in your dreams, never another restful sleep. I'll forever be by your side. In life you're victim, death your bride. My memory will haunt you when you're awake or asleep because...I'm dead...



Brief replay of the past few weeks: So I'm not fired after all. Yay. I have about $450 saved up for a car...Doing the usual, drinking, working and living this life. Been talking to a lot of the crust punks, homeless and crazy people out in Berkeley lately. They're all very interesting people. I never thought about asking if they're happy. It got brought to my attention a few days ago. A lady told me to ask some homeless guy if he was happy, I was watching his stuff... So when he came back I asked him, are you happy he smiled and said, "yeah!....no..I'm not happy...I want to go home I can't wait till I go back..." Makes me wonder why they do it sometimes... Just makes me really think about happiness and life and all...

Lovelife=confusion. Being lead on and then nothing happening after that is fucking annoying. So FUCKING STOP IT! I'm not a lovey dovey type of person. Hah.

Oh yeah, I ripped my ear open. It was pretty awesome! Haha Thanks Alissa for taking care of me, love youuuuuuuuuuu. <333366666666666699999999



Today : Coffee, train tracks, cigarettes, graffiti, the ghetto/old neighborhood, my high school, Bay Bridge, Indian food, the City at night, gelato, Castro, a beautiful view of the city, more coffee, muni, bart and tons of reminiscing . That was my day. ♥
It had been a while since I spent time with my school dad, I spent half of the day with him. I feel bad for taking up his time seeing how busy he is now a days, but I had a lovely day with him. I needed this, I think we both needed this to be honest. It feels as if we started a new and improved chapter in our life, it had almost been a year of awkwardness and lack of socializing... I hope that changes after today. I never want to lose someone like him... Thanks for everything...

FuckMyLife

Jesus fuck, I must really suck at life, only one month and I'm already gone. Wow.
My mom might be unemployed in August and my dad is STILL unemployed, fucking awesome! Man life's great. Really it is....NOT. Like seriously what the fuck? Shit is finally pulling through for me, school, license, work and now I get fired, don't even have a car to fucking drive, withdrew my important classes so I can work more and this shit happens. I was born to lose.

This just seriously bothers me...
Oh well, I guess I have to learn to move on and forget. Sucks the owner doesn't approve of me...Shit happens.
Now then come later this week and I'm about to be fuuuuuuuucked UP!


That's all I have to vent, I have A LOT to say, but I'm not in the mood to explain everything, I'm actually pretty fucking pissed even though I say "fuck it."


Well....I'll post other shit tomorrow or some time this week...




"Here I lay, still and breathless..."