Yeah yeah yeah...

I don't even know what to post, I can't even remember what's been up with life, all I know as of now is that I'm a college drop out, hah! I finally got my car working, so I drive now. Been off certain substances for about 5 months now. Going to a lot of shows and checking out venues, upcoming shows are: Plan 9, Blaqk Audio and Crystal Castles! It's gonna be LEGIT! Bwah bwah bwah I NEED my laptop, I think I'm done blogging cause I kind of stopped giving a fuck so I really have nothing to bitch about anymore, hahah we'll see what my brain can poop out on the next post!

An update

I will update on sooooooo much real soon, I haven't updated much because my laptop broke and I usually blogged at random times like 3am, now I'm stuck using my house computer where my parents are always around... I feel like they're watching me all the time, that's just my paranoia. Hah, stay tunned. :)

She's lost control...

And seized up on the floor, I thought she'd die...She said I've lost control. She's lost control again...


Someone take these dreams away...

I've seem to have lost control, my mind is all over the place, I don't even know what I'm thinking right now, so many thoughts rushing at once. I'm just freaking out...

I had a good day though, went to Santa Cruz for a show which was fun... Haven't posted much really, well I got to see Crystal Castles, got kicked by Alice as she stood on the crowd, held her up and her crotch was in my face, good fucking show. I can't think of what else is new really. I'm too fucking brain dead right now...




I'm just confused again, being led on blows, I should just not even bother with that stuff right now. It just makes me wonder about the situation... I should just focus on school and photo-shoots.


Listening to Joy Division lately, and been feeling like Ian Curtis, fucked up.

Pushing Everything Away

So lately I've been a fucking mess, I isolated myself for 6 days... It was nice for the first few days, then it got a little scary...Hah luckily Alissa and Holly kidnapped me, after that I did two photo shoots, went to the club twice and got filmed twice. It's been crazy how quickly things randomly turned around for me, but it's been great! More photo shoots coming up and a portfolio to build up, going to see if Model Mayhem approves of me and hopefully find small work there.

Yogofina is open so it's time to go turn in a resume, hopefully that works out too, working is something I should be doing and it sucks not having any money.

Here are a few of my favorite shots from the photoshoots:

So as my title says, 'Pushing Everything Away' it's exactly what I'm going to start doing, at least all the negative things, because for once I'm being productive and have shit going for me. So anyone who's going to bring me down, get the hell away from me.

You're the one who's always bruised and broken..

Drunk on immorality, Valium and cherry wine, Coke and ecstasy. You're gonna blow your mind. I understand the fascination, I've even been there once or twice or more, but if you don't change your situation...Then you'll die, you'll die, don't die, don't die. Please don't die...


Well, what's been up? Uhh the Gilman show Limnus played with Stellar Corpses was fucking sick! I had a lot of fun hanging out with tons of people there and the bands. There was so many people I knew so I was kind of all over the place. Haha but overall it was a great night!

With Dusty from Stellar Corpses. :P


And Emilio! Both really cool guys. :)

Uhh so apparently I now have 1600 saved up for car! Sweeeeeet! Now I need to make more calls and go look at the cars and all that shit. Yep. No longer with my bf, one of the reasons I don't even bother trying to be in a relationship cause they end up like this. Fucking stupid. Anyway, been drawing A LOT lately, finished 3-4 things in like 1 day or 2 which is pretty rad because I'm putting a lot more time and effort into every piece and getting tons of practice! It's fantastic! My favorite one has to be Kakashi though cause I randomly drew it at like 3am, and here it is!




well till next time. :]

There's a place where everyone can be happy,

It's the most beautiful place in the whole fuckin' world!

....and you, painted my entire world
but I...don't have the turpentine to clean what you have soiled, and I won't forget it!





OKAY! I don't know what's been happening since my last post, I got fired, again!, saw Limnus in Stockton, met some awesome bands and made new friends! Been hanging out with Amber a lot and hitting up the city. Been spending time with someone special. ;) I have 1,100$ saved up for my car! Yeaaaaah! Hmmm, I feel like I have more to say, but I can't think right now. Haha. Oh well...? OH! Limnus is finally playing Gilman, FUCK YEEEEEEEEAH! Can't wait for the show! :)

I need to be somebody sometimes...

Do you even know who you are?.... You can wear what you want, but we still look the same...

And down to earth we spiral. A turn into what we'd die for. Each day a new denial, each day we set a different fire. I see no future now, I see us counting down the days. Always
Looking for the out, Not what we say we want. But love is throwing us away
Cannot stay. Turned around. Our fate harder now to swallow

Take what you want - i'll cut the strings. A light inside is fading - taken from me. I know who you are - the Maestro of blame. If everything starts changing, THEN JUST GO AWAY!


Laying down in my bed online and getting drunk, wish I could chain smoke in my room....bleh.
Things are so confusing, I'm glad I'm done with school now though, I get to only work and relax. Hopefully I'll have a car within a month or so, tired of going everywhere on bart. Fucking annoying...
I'm home alone, wishing I was out partying, but yeah no luck... Stuck at home, it's okay though, I have 2 Four Lokos, Cigarettes and Methadone. Hopefully I make it out to BFD with Jessica for her birthday! That'd be tight. I hella wanna see Deftones, Hole and Silversun Pickups. Waaaaaaah, haven't been to The Shoreline since Mayhem Fest which was Fuckin' Slayer! Manson, Cannibal Corpse, Behemoth, Bullet for My Valentine and some other bands.

Went on a San Francisco midnight adventure with J and Alissa, that was fun, alcohol, and cigarettes. Man I was too out of it that night, we left San Francisco at 7am. Awesome city view, a park and Dennys. Haha good/silly times.

I'm waiting for Rul to get here so we can chill and have a cigarette together. :)
Well I'm gonna drink some more and continue to blast music... More bullshit to be posted soon... hah.

I'd tell you all these things but I can't speak because...

...I'm dead, I'm dead, my life is life no more. I'm dead, I'm dead, your bullets cut into my flesh...Now I will haunt you in your dreams, never another restful sleep. I'll forever be by your side. In life you're victim, death your bride. My memory will haunt you when you're awake or asleep because...I'm dead...



Brief replay of the past few weeks: So I'm not fired after all. Yay. I have about $450 saved up for a car...Doing the usual, drinking, working and living this life. Been talking to a lot of the crust punks, homeless and crazy people out in Berkeley lately. They're all very interesting people. I never thought about asking if they're happy. It got brought to my attention a few days ago. A lady told me to ask some homeless guy if he was happy, I was watching his stuff... So when he came back I asked him, are you happy he smiled and said, "yeah!....no..I'm not happy...I want to go home I can't wait till I go back..." Makes me wonder why they do it sometimes... Just makes me really think about happiness and life and all...

Lovelife=confusion. Being lead on and then nothing happening after that is fucking annoying. So FUCKING STOP IT! I'm not a lovey dovey type of person. Hah.

Oh yeah, I ripped my ear open. It was pretty awesome! Haha Thanks Alissa for taking care of me, love youuuuuuuuuuu. <333366666666666699999999



Today : Coffee, train tracks, cigarettes, graffiti, the ghetto/old neighborhood, my high school, Bay Bridge, Indian food, the City at night, gelato, Castro, a beautiful view of the city, more coffee, muni, bart and tons of reminiscing . That was my day. ♥
It had been a while since I spent time with my school dad, I spent half of the day with him. I feel bad for taking up his time seeing how busy he is now a days, but I had a lovely day with him. I needed this, I think we both needed this to be honest. It feels as if we started a new and improved chapter in our life, it had almost been a year of awkwardness and lack of socializing... I hope that changes after today. I never want to lose someone like him... Thanks for everything...

FuckMyLife

Jesus fuck, I must really suck at life, only one month and I'm already gone. Wow.
My mom might be unemployed in August and my dad is STILL unemployed, fucking awesome! Man life's great. Really it is....NOT. Like seriously what the fuck? Shit is finally pulling through for me, school, license, work and now I get fired, don't even have a car to fucking drive, withdrew my important classes so I can work more and this shit happens. I was born to lose.

This just seriously bothers me...
Oh well, I guess I have to learn to move on and forget. Sucks the owner doesn't approve of me...Shit happens.
Now then come later this week and I'm about to be fuuuuuuuucked UP!


That's all I have to vent, I have A LOT to say, but I'm not in the mood to explain everything, I'm actually pretty fucking pissed even though I say "fuck it."


Well....I'll post other shit tomorrow or some time this week...




"Here I lay, still and breathless..."

Puckering up and down some avenue of sin...

...Too cheap to ride...


Any who, I last blogged about alcohol...hah I'm so lame. But yeaaaaah been seeing a whole lot of seniors from my High School post about prom and all these fun events they have going on, kind of makes me wanna go back and do my senior year over. Especially graduation...FUCK MY GRADUATION. No one was fucking there....not even the person who motivated me to graduate...
I DID THIS FOR YOU.

Enough of that shit, we all know we can't go back in time and none of that will change...But anyways I get my paycheck this Friday OH HELL YYEEAAAAAAUUUHHH. Now I have to open up a bank account and all that jazz...ugh...Oh! I have my license now too, woooooh so I can drive and shit.

Been sick for 5 days now though, been puking everything I eat, I feel better now though, hopefully its gone soon. I'm tired of feeling this way. It hurts, it really does...

I always have a lot to type, but lately my brain doesn't let me put it all out there. Oh well I guess I'll try to blog about something interesting tomorrow...err technically today...


Looks like I lived another day, I wonder when my body is going to give up on me, life is interesting, it can go away in any second:

I survive, breathe on...

Happy 1 year of...

being a fucking drunky. Haha, well not really...maybe? Drinking every weekend is not considered an alcoholic or is it? Well whatever, it actually has been a whole year since I've first drank... Bleeh.
Kind wish I was drunk now. Haha just wait till my parents are gone... oh man, shit faaaaaced. I don't really have much to talk about right now, work has worn me out, 3rd day, still getting used to it, so hopefully I get the hang of it real soon.

I have a lot to type, but I can't think or have th energy to put together a nice blog...or not nice? Whatever...I doubt anyone even fucking reads this..
Well for now, goood fucking night!



Alcoholic kind of mood....

It's called L I F E..

...and it feels that it will be the death of me...
Spring break is over, back in school, I'm driving now and currently employed...My Freedom? Pretty much gone. I don't even know what to do, I love hanging out with my friends, going to shows and not giving a shit...But now? Now I have responsibilities. It's awesome I have a job now and will be able to buy stuff I want/need...but I'm not used to that, I'm not used to having someone 'manage' me and what not, I don't know how this will turn out, I hope well. Alissa really helped me through it so I owe her for it and really need to just get my shit together and pull through it...School? I'm not really into it, my license? I'm stoked about it, but still nervous...
I need to handle all of this and find a working schedule, I lack a lot of sleep and don't do anything, why? I don't know...No motivation for anything really. I wish I could just win the lotto, that'd be nice.

Oh WonderCon was amazing. So many people asked for picture, I was famous...for 3 days, it was great...
But back to reality again, I'll go and let myself rot in my room, school and work...

Cities of Night

Well well well...
I haven't updated since that Halloween party, I pretty much hated everyone after that night. Anyways...
Hmm, nothing too big/important has happened. Saw Stellar Corpses again at Gilman and that was pretty fun, been hanging out with Amber a lot lately too. Just school, hanging out/partying it up and...yeah that's it really. OH! Applied for Yogurtland, so far it seems I may have a chance there, I'm supposed to get called in for an interview, I really owe it to Alissa for helping me out on this one! Thanks if you happen to read this! Been drawing a lot more, usually influenced by what I listen to. Oh went to DG for the first time since September. It was tons of fun, but got tired sooo quickly, geesh so many creeps as well! Haha OH OH OH and Limnus will be playing at a Richmond party. Yay. Hmmmm......... Oh yeah my school dad is taking/paying for some of the recent WP seniors for graduation...He didn't even attend my graduation... :/ This ALWAYS comes back to haunt me...

"One overdoes just to survive."




On another note,
I've been mentally isolating myself, obviously I'm there hanging with you, but my mind is usually else where or I feel as if no one is around at times...I don't know how to explain it...But yeah it's been making me far more observant though and somewhat has been changing me...Not sure where this phase is taking me, but I'm curious to know.
Also, being out in Berkeley makes me see a lot different things and people...I ran into a homeless friend of mine, he's probably like 16 or 17 years old. I met him over a year or two ago on Telegraph, he told me he was homeless, but I didn't buy it...later on I ran into him again at the 99 cent store and he had gotten adopted by a lesbian couple, then again I ran into him, he bailed on the ones who adopted him and went back to being a homeless kid...I ran into him today..well technically yesterday... he really was a homeless kid...he had a scabbed/damaged body, had bad personal hygiene and barely got by, but he was happy and smiling. It made me wonder why myself and a lot of other of my friends seem to be so mad at the world when we have the shit we want or even more...A homeless kid is happy?... It was just a slap in the face, reality had just hit me extremely hard...

So why are we all mad?
I mean, I know I'll remain mad and/or upset and so on...but I won't know why...or have a good reason to be...


"Go on, take everything, take everything I want you to...Hey, Im the one with no soul one above and one below"



I could sure use a quick fix...

Happy Halloweeen! >:)

So my friends and I don't seem to celebrate Valentine's Day. CAUSE IT'S STUPID! Which means, it's : HALLOWEEN! Muahaha 2nd Halloween Party. Such drunk madness. Limnus played and it was pretty awesome. I don't feel like being too specific with the night because my night was just fucked for personal reasons. But other than that the party was quite successful and interesting. Some dude pissed himself, he was passed out drunk...a few people were actually.

Well just thought I'd say a little on that. So there you go...haha maybe a better update soon. :P

Oh so lost...

You know those days where you're just upset and feel EXTREMELY lost and don't know what to do with yourself ? Well I'm having one of those days...
Just feels sucky feeling this way.
Bleeeeeeeeeeehhh

Haha I'm listening to Linkin Park right now kickin' it old school at the moment, just bringing back some old memories, man this cd [Hybrid Theory] came out when I was in the fucking 5th grade now I'm in college...Fucking Crazy... The years go by and then they're wasted...


Hmmm. I just feel like going somewhere far away and not dealing with anyone anymore...I just wish I had a fucking car I'd just go into the city right now, find a spot and stare at the city lights...

Today was a good day...

That it was.

Just woke up feeling okay today... Had a few smokes before class and ran into Amelia.
Amelia seems to always brighten up my days... I've missed her a lot... It's good to reconnect and continue our 5 year friendship. She seems a lot happier and I'm glad to see that.
Don't worry missy! I'll treat you for some Jamba Juice and coffee soon <3


Now then time for some homework and cleaning. Early class tomorrow, yay finally I see Isaac! I need his help to torment the art class.

Class torment shall begin at 9 : 30 am with my beloved Isaac. MUAHAHAHAHA
YUSSSSSSS! xD

Cops and Stars ?

Haha a rather interesting night. Not in the mood to type out the whole story so I'll cut it short. I have a major headache and can't think of anything to really type about.

SO!
:Group of people in Alameda, alcohol, cigarettes, randomness, conversations about stars and a fucking COP:
Me and my friend were chilling by the rocks next to the water in some Alameda park talking about how cool it'd be to have a star as a pet and piss lighting....yeah I don't know...But it got way too cold and we headed back to the car to join some people...So we were in the car chilling and two of our friends were still out sitting on some benches, cop shows up and we....bail on them, we had a lot of alcohol in the vehicle, so we HAD to...The cop just got down their info, but we felt pretty bad leaving those two back there with the police...We parked right by the park exit and hid the booze in some bushes, just in case the cop noticed our ride...It was all good in the end though, no tickets and nothing bad...We got slightly lucky..

That's pretty much it...


Now then, time for some music, mind wandering and sleep...

"Always stays the same, nothing ever changes, English summer rain seems to last for ages..."

College College College

I is a big kid now.


I started college about a week ago and it's seriously fucking tiring. Maybe it was cause of the whole...not going to school for half a year. Haha.

Well I like Berkeley City College [BCC] and SOME of the people there. It's small, one building close to bart, restaurants, telegraph and a park. It's in a pretty sweet spot if you ask me. Classes are going okay. Math I know I will struggle in and have my first exam...today actually in about 12 hours. FUCK. Oh well hopefully I pass or get a decent grade. Hmm I really need to drop that Sociology class. Anyways, that's pretty much the college life. You're responsible for yourself and no one really gives a shit about you. Well other than showing up, been hanging out there with people I already knew or met like, Sergio, Isaac, Amelia, Laura, Paul and say hi to other familiar faces. :)
It's pretty chilled there. I can dig it.

Well that's all that's been up to be honest, nothing exciting just learning the college life...


The Saturday TRIO!
[Sigfredo, Razko and Myself]




OHHHH! I finally hung out with an old best friend, Razko.
Man has it been a while...We became best friends my freshman year/his senior year, so we only had one year together at school. We were pretty much PB and J. No joke. We'd always be hanging out, either during lunch, during class, tutoring, after school, weekends etc. After he graduated we slowly drifted apart, we're still best friends, just both got busy with our own things. But recently we hung out and I really missed hanging out like we did back then. Pop tarts, arizonas or Jones soda and graffiti, that was our lifestyle. :)
So this weekend was me him and Sigfredo [another old friend] and hit up the arcade in The Metreon and wandered around Market st. It was an enjoyable time. :)

Booooooob! :P
[Me and Sigfredo]

Life's a Bitch.

And then you die.....simple as that.


Well let's see what's been up lately... pretty much just been hanging out and trying to have fun you know the usual weekend stuff. Nothing new really, just living and killing myself slowly. Hahaha. Hating the world as usual. I'm just going to make a quick list of random important/fun events.
- Stellar Corpses/Plan 9 @ 924 Gilman [01|09|2010]
- A.F.I. @ The Phoenix Theater [01|15|2010]
- Shroomed [01|16|2010]
- Started College [01|21|2010]


"Every night I sit and wonder why, every day I want to fucking die! FUCK THE WORLD"


Quick summary of Stellar Corpses|Plan 9 show / my birthday since I didn't write about it at all. :p
Well it was my birthday and my original plans were to hang with Kasi and then go to the show, but that didn't happen. I ended up hanging out in Oakland and eventually got picked up by Mauro and hit up the show I wanted to go to. Ran into a few people and the people who I was originally going with and also some friends from Richmond. It was a lot of fun, Stellar Corpses is a pretty awesome band I suggest checking them out! Plan 9 is a Misfits cover band and they were pretty damn awesome too. It felt like a real Misfits show. Haha. So yeah my birthday was spent with tons of friends, live music/awesome bands and moshing. Woooooh.


Front row for Stellar Corpses! Haha

Far Too Long...

Well I've been using my LiveJournal to post up my blogs. Kind of forgot I had an account on here, well if you're curious to recent posts and what's been up you can feel free to check out my LiveJournal. http://ladyjesus69.livejournal.com/
Not much to say really it's almost 6am and I'm pretty brain dead. I'll probably post up something later today, just vaguely summarize what's been up with me and the posts on LiveJournal.

Well till then....