I need to be somebody sometimes...

Do you even know who you are?.... You can wear what you want, but we still look the same...

And down to earth we spiral. A turn into what we'd die for. Each day a new denial, each day we set a different fire. I see no future now, I see us counting down the days. Always
Looking for the out, Not what we say we want. But love is throwing us away
Cannot stay. Turned around. Our fate harder now to swallow

Take what you want - i'll cut the strings. A light inside is fading - taken from me. I know who you are - the Maestro of blame. If everything starts changing, THEN JUST GO AWAY!


Laying down in my bed online and getting drunk, wish I could chain smoke in my room....bleh.
Things are so confusing, I'm glad I'm done with school now though, I get to only work and relax. Hopefully I'll have a car within a month or so, tired of going everywhere on bart. Fucking annoying...
I'm home alone, wishing I was out partying, but yeah no luck... Stuck at home, it's okay though, I have 2 Four Lokos, Cigarettes and Methadone. Hopefully I make it out to BFD with Jessica for her birthday! That'd be tight. I hella wanna see Deftones, Hole and Silversun Pickups. Waaaaaaah, haven't been to The Shoreline since Mayhem Fest which was Fuckin' Slayer! Manson, Cannibal Corpse, Behemoth, Bullet for My Valentine and some other bands.

Went on a San Francisco midnight adventure with J and Alissa, that was fun, alcohol, and cigarettes. Man I was too out of it that night, we left San Francisco at 7am. Awesome city view, a park and Dennys. Haha good/silly times.

I'm waiting for Rul to get here so we can chill and have a cigarette together. :)
Well I'm gonna drink some more and continue to blast music... More bullshit to be posted soon... hah.

I'd tell you all these things but I can't speak because...

...I'm dead, I'm dead, my life is life no more. I'm dead, I'm dead, your bullets cut into my flesh...Now I will haunt you in your dreams, never another restful sleep. I'll forever be by your side. In life you're victim, death your bride. My memory will haunt you when you're awake or asleep because...I'm dead...



Brief replay of the past few weeks: So I'm not fired after all. Yay. I have about $450 saved up for a car...Doing the usual, drinking, working and living this life. Been talking to a lot of the crust punks, homeless and crazy people out in Berkeley lately. They're all very interesting people. I never thought about asking if they're happy. It got brought to my attention a few days ago. A lady told me to ask some homeless guy if he was happy, I was watching his stuff... So when he came back I asked him, are you happy he smiled and said, "yeah!....no..I'm not happy...I want to go home I can't wait till I go back..." Makes me wonder why they do it sometimes... Just makes me really think about happiness and life and all...

Lovelife=confusion. Being lead on and then nothing happening after that is fucking annoying. So FUCKING STOP IT! I'm not a lovey dovey type of person. Hah.

Oh yeah, I ripped my ear open. It was pretty awesome! Haha Thanks Alissa for taking care of me, love youuuuuuuuuuu. <333366666666666699999999



Today : Coffee, train tracks, cigarettes, graffiti, the ghetto/old neighborhood, my high school, Bay Bridge, Indian food, the City at night, gelato, Castro, a beautiful view of the city, more coffee, muni, bart and tons of reminiscing . That was my day. ♥
It had been a while since I spent time with my school dad, I spent half of the day with him. I feel bad for taking up his time seeing how busy he is now a days, but I had a lovely day with him. I needed this, I think we both needed this to be honest. It feels as if we started a new and improved chapter in our life, it had almost been a year of awkwardness and lack of socializing... I hope that changes after today. I never want to lose someone like him... Thanks for everything...

FuckMyLife

Jesus fuck, I must really suck at life, only one month and I'm already gone. Wow.
My mom might be unemployed in August and my dad is STILL unemployed, fucking awesome! Man life's great. Really it is....NOT. Like seriously what the fuck? Shit is finally pulling through for me, school, license, work and now I get fired, don't even have a car to fucking drive, withdrew my important classes so I can work more and this shit happens. I was born to lose.

This just seriously bothers me...
Oh well, I guess I have to learn to move on and forget. Sucks the owner doesn't approve of me...Shit happens.
Now then come later this week and I'm about to be fuuuuuuuucked UP!


That's all I have to vent, I have A LOT to say, but I'm not in the mood to explain everything, I'm actually pretty fucking pissed even though I say "fuck it."


Well....I'll post other shit tomorrow or some time this week...




"Here I lay, still and breathless..."

Puckering up and down some avenue of sin...

...Too cheap to ride...


Any who, I last blogged about alcohol...hah I'm so lame. But yeaaaaah been seeing a whole lot of seniors from my High School post about prom and all these fun events they have going on, kind of makes me wanna go back and do my senior year over. Especially graduation...FUCK MY GRADUATION. No one was fucking there....not even the person who motivated me to graduate...
I DID THIS FOR YOU.

Enough of that shit, we all know we can't go back in time and none of that will change...But anyways I get my paycheck this Friday OH HELL YYEEAAAAAAUUUHHH. Now I have to open up a bank account and all that jazz...ugh...Oh! I have my license now too, woooooh so I can drive and shit.

Been sick for 5 days now though, been puking everything I eat, I feel better now though, hopefully its gone soon. I'm tired of feeling this way. It hurts, it really does...

I always have a lot to type, but lately my brain doesn't let me put it all out there. Oh well I guess I'll try to blog about something interesting tomorrow...err technically today...


Looks like I lived another day, I wonder when my body is going to give up on me, life is interesting, it can go away in any second:

I survive, breathe on...

Happy 1 year of...

being a fucking drunky. Haha, well not really...maybe? Drinking every weekend is not considered an alcoholic or is it? Well whatever, it actually has been a whole year since I've first drank... Bleeh.
Kind wish I was drunk now. Haha just wait till my parents are gone... oh man, shit faaaaaced. I don't really have much to talk about right now, work has worn me out, 3rd day, still getting used to it, so hopefully I get the hang of it real soon.

I have a lot to type, but I can't think or have th energy to put together a nice blog...or not nice? Whatever...I doubt anyone even fucking reads this..
Well for now, goood fucking night!



Alcoholic kind of mood....

It's called L I F E..

...and it feels that it will be the death of me...
Spring break is over, back in school, I'm driving now and currently employed...My Freedom? Pretty much gone. I don't even know what to do, I love hanging out with my friends, going to shows and not giving a shit...But now? Now I have responsibilities. It's awesome I have a job now and will be able to buy stuff I want/need...but I'm not used to that, I'm not used to having someone 'manage' me and what not, I don't know how this will turn out, I hope well. Alissa really helped me through it so I owe her for it and really need to just get my shit together and pull through it...School? I'm not really into it, my license? I'm stoked about it, but still nervous...
I need to handle all of this and find a working schedule, I lack a lot of sleep and don't do anything, why? I don't know...No motivation for anything really. I wish I could just win the lotto, that'd be nice.

Oh WonderCon was amazing. So many people asked for picture, I was famous...for 3 days, it was great...
But back to reality again, I'll go and let myself rot in my room, school and work...

Cities of Night

Well well well...
I haven't updated since that Halloween party, I pretty much hated everyone after that night. Anyways...
Hmm, nothing too big/important has happened. Saw Stellar Corpses again at Gilman and that was pretty fun, been hanging out with Amber a lot lately too. Just school, hanging out/partying it up and...yeah that's it really. OH! Applied for Yogurtland, so far it seems I may have a chance there, I'm supposed to get called in for an interview, I really owe it to Alissa for helping me out on this one! Thanks if you happen to read this! Been drawing a lot more, usually influenced by what I listen to. Oh went to DG for the first time since September. It was tons of fun, but got tired sooo quickly, geesh so many creeps as well! Haha OH OH OH and Limnus will be playing at a Richmond party. Yay. Hmmmm......... Oh yeah my school dad is taking/paying for some of the recent WP seniors for graduation...He didn't even attend my graduation... :/ This ALWAYS comes back to haunt me...

"One overdoes just to survive."




On another note,
I've been mentally isolating myself, obviously I'm there hanging with you, but my mind is usually else where or I feel as if no one is around at times...I don't know how to explain it...But yeah it's been making me far more observant though and somewhat has been changing me...Not sure where this phase is taking me, but I'm curious to know.
Also, being out in Berkeley makes me see a lot different things and people...I ran into a homeless friend of mine, he's probably like 16 or 17 years old. I met him over a year or two ago on Telegraph, he told me he was homeless, but I didn't buy it...later on I ran into him again at the 99 cent store and he had gotten adopted by a lesbian couple, then again I ran into him, he bailed on the ones who adopted him and went back to being a homeless kid...I ran into him today..well technically yesterday... he really was a homeless kid...he had a scabbed/damaged body, had bad personal hygiene and barely got by, but he was happy and smiling. It made me wonder why myself and a lot of other of my friends seem to be so mad at the world when we have the shit we want or even more...A homeless kid is happy?... It was just a slap in the face, reality had just hit me extremely hard...

So why are we all mad?
I mean, I know I'll remain mad and/or upset and so on...but I won't know why...or have a good reason to be...


"Go on, take everything, take everything I want you to...Hey, Im the one with no soul one above and one below"



I could sure use a quick fix...